From EdMadara@aol.com Thu Nov 17 06:17:44 1994 Received: from mail02.mail.aol.com (mail02.mail.aol.com [152.163.172.66]) by bcn.boulder.co.us (8.6.9/8.6.9/CNS-3.5) with SMTP id GAA21413 for ; Thu, 17 Nov 1994 06:17:42 -0700 From: EdMadara@aol.com Received: by mail02.mail.aol.com (1.38.193.5/16.2) id AA21659; Thu, 17 Nov 1994 08:14:37 -0500 Date: Thu, 17 Nov 1994 08:14:37 -0500 Message-Id: <941117081247_1320043@aol.com> To: madeline@bcn.boulder.co.us Subject: a story for your collection Status: RO Dear Madeline, I recall you were collecting people's good (and bad) experiences online. I sysop a "self-help support" section in the "health & fitness" forum on CompuServe and thought you may want to show others the reality and quality of mutual help available online through this one example of a posting and response. I would also be very interested if you compile the stories and make them available to others. Best to you in your good work. - Ed (edmadara@aol.com) from "Self-Help Support - Section 17" in the "Health & Fitness Forum" on CompuServe #: 331559 S17/Self Help/Support 07-Nov-94 19:46:05 Sb: #12 yr old son died. Fm: Patrick M To: All Is this the right place to be posting this? On Oct. 19th my son strangled himself trying to make a halloween haunted house in our garage. I'm not all that sure that I can talk about this here, so don't be surprised if I disappear. I'm having a hard time typing - I look at the screen and see my son dying. No one knows exactly what happened, but my brain has made up a scene that keeps flashing into my mind. I had never let myself realize just how much I loved him, and now he's gone. I never ever would have thought that this could hurt so much, or that I would miss him so badly. My wife and I have seen a couple of different therapists and from what they say, after almost three weeks, we may still be operating in shock and this could get worse before it gets better. I'd like some insight into this shock business, and what it's like when it wears off and how do you know if it is wearing off, or if you're even in it. We've been told to take it easy and let this go at it's own pace, but isn't there something I can do to speed up the process? Any help would be appreciated. * Replies: 331573, 331684, 331750, 331767 #: 331684 S17/Self Help/Support 07-Nov-94 23:19:20 Sb: #331559-#12 yr old son died. To: Patrick M Dear Patrick, There really aren't words to express the sympathy that I'm sure everyone who reads your message feels for you, your wife and everyone who shared in the loss of your son. I lost my sister to murder in 1981. I could write for years about it but I'll be brief and try to address your questions about shock. I don't know how you know if you are in it or why anyone would need to know if one was in, out or through. Maybe what you are feeling is a desire to get some control over the situation, understanding and then, as you say, speed up the healing. Maybe "what can I do to make it stop hurting so much?" Patrick, I wish you could. I wish we all could. I am afraid that there is no real way to make it stop hurting, but in *time* the pain will change, diminish and you will be able to go on and enjoy the good things that will (yes,will) come in life. Right now you may be feeling that it hurts so much that you will never feel anything but this pervasive pain. In time, you can. In time, my pain changed from a sharp, all conuming pain to a dull ache that diminished but is always present in some small amount. When the whole family is together, I always get that feeling, "where's Kathy? someone's missing". I think it will always be that way. BUT I have been able to go on and accept the good things that have come into my life and eventually even to enjoy them. You didn't ask for advice but I'm going to give it anyway (you never know what you'll get when you post something). Don't drink or use drugs... at all. (I am not talking about medicines prescribed by a doctor, of course.) Alcohol is a drug and it is classed as a *depressant*, something you don't need even one drink of now. Continue with a therapist, even though it may be very painful. If the first one doesn't help, try another. If the therapist or your doctor suggests anti-depressant medication, seriously consider it. If you are involved in a faith community, see if there is a grief support group in your area. If your tradition includes healing prayer or services, use it to help heal your grief. There is a group called Compassionate Friends for parents who have lost a child. If you have other children, be sure they get help. Make a pact with your wife to be extra kind to each other, and never to blame each other for your son's death or your human failures in parenting him. Your relationship is under one of the worst stresses possible. Sometimes people feel so desperate to do *something*anything* to stop the pain they make changes (like divorce) in an effort to stop it ...then find out it didn't stop it, it just added more problems. Be kind to each other, You have both lost so much. wish I had the magic words. Terri