The World According to Student Bloopers

From: butterfly 
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Student bloopers
Date: Mon, 7 Aug 1995 14:00:47 -0400
Organization: Medical University of South Carolina

I got this a long time ago and every time I read it I cannot restrain 
myself from laughing :]  :D  :}

Note:  For some of the bloopers, you gotta know a "little" of world 
history to catch the humor......
And ..... the mistakes that appear are "original", not due to my typing ;)

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The World According to Student Bloopers

	Richard Lederer
	St. Paul's School

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is 
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.  I have 
pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably 
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United 
States, from eight grade to college level.  Read carefully, and you will 
learn a lot.

The inhibitants of Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in Sarah 
Dessert and traveled by Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah is such that 
the inhibitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert 
are cultivated by irritation.  The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the 
shape of a huge triangular cube.  The Pramids are a range of mountains 
between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of the 
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One of 
their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"  God asked Abraham 
to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Issac, stole his 
brother's birthmark.  Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve 
sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it.  One of Jacob's sons, 
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.  Moses led 
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleaved bread, which is bread made 
without any ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to 
get the ten commandments.  David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the 
liar.  He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in 
Biblical times.  Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented three 
kinds of colums - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.  They also had myths.  A 
myth is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped 
him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.  Achilles appears in 
"The Illiad", by Homer.  Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope 
was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.  Actually, 
Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.  
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people 
advice.  They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and 
threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.  The 
government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into 
their own hands.  There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so 
high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were 
doing.  When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered 
because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks.  History call people Romans 
because they never stayed in one place for very long.  At Roman banquets, 
the guests wore garlic in their hair.  Julius Caesar extinguished himself 
on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March killed him because they 
thought he was going to be made king.  Nero was a cruel tyrany who would 
torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.  

Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur 
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the 
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, 
and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.  Finally, 
the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the 
same offense.   

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.  The greatest writer 
of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote 
literature.  Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow 
through an apple while standing on his son's head.  

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of 
their human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at 
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences.  He died a horrible death, 
being excommunicated by a bull.  It was the painter Donatello's interest 
in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.  It was 
an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg invented the 
Bible.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented 
cigarettes.  Another important invention was the circulation of blood.  
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery.  Henry VIII found 
walking difficult because he had an abess on his knee.  Queen Elizabeth 
was the "Virgin Queen."  As a queen she was a success.   When Elizabeth 
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah."  Then her 
navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.  
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his 
plays.  He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, 
comedies and errors.  In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations 
out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.  In another, 
Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his 
manhood.  Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.  Writing at 
the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes.  He wrote "Donkey 
Hote".  The next great author was John Milton.  Milton wrote "Paradise 
Lost."  Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a great 
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.  His 
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.  Later the 
Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress.  
When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came 
down the hill rolling their was hoops before them.  The Indian squabs 
carried porposies on their back.  Many of the Indian heroes were killed, 
among with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.  The winter 
of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.  Many people died and many 
babies were born.  Capitain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in 
their tea.  Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post 
without stamps.  During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing 
balls over stone walls.  The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.  
Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented 
Congress.  Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two 
signers of the Declaration of Independence.  Franklin had gone to Boston 
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each 
arm.  He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a 
horse divided against itself cannot stand."  Franklin died in 1790 and is 
still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father 
of Our Country.  Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted 
to secure domestic hostility.  Under the Constitution the people enjoyed 
the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's mother 
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his 
own hands.  When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.  He 
said, "In onion there is strength."  Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg 
address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an 
envelope.  He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the 
Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship.  But the Clue Clux 
Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims.  
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot 
in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.  The believed 
assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedl insane actor.  This ruined 
Booth's career.   
[ My favorite :) ]

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltare 
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy".  Gravity was 
invented by Issac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when 
the apples are flaling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.  
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.  He was very 
large.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.  Beethoven wrote music even 
though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took long 
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven 
expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state.  The French Revolution was 
accomplished before it happened.  The Marseillaise was the theme song of 
the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During the 
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their 
shoes.  Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at 
Napoleon's flanks.  Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was 
very tense and unrestrained.  He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but 
since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in 
the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victoria was the longest 
queen.  She sat on a thorn for 63 years.  He reclining years and finally 
the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality.  Her death 
was the final event which ended her reign.  

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.  
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.  
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a 
hundred men.  Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.  Louis Pastuer 
discovered a cure for rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote 
the "Organ of the Species".  Madman Curie discovered radium.  And Karl 
Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, 
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

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For the one's who read till the end ....... hope you enjoyed.

butterfly :)